When Both Partners Have Avoidant Attachment
You give each other so much space that it's sometimes hard to tell there's a relationship happening in it.
When both partners have an avoidant attachment style, there's rarely a struggle over closeness - both of you are genuinely comfortable with independence, so pressure in either direction is low. The risk is quieter: without anyone reliably pursuing intimacy, the relationship can settle into parallel independence rather than real partnership.
How this pairing tends to work
Both partners share the same instinct toward distance, which removes a common source of conflict - and removes the natural counterbalance too.
Shared tendency
Closeness or emotional intensity is met with a pull toward independence - and because neither partner counterbalances this, distance can become the default rather than a temporary phase.
The pattern this can create
Neither partner naturally initiates deeper emotional conversations.
Day-to-day life continues smoothly, which can be mistaken for the relationship being genuinely fine.
Small unmet needs go unspoken, since neither partner wants to seem demanding.
Emotional distance quietly compounds over time, unnoticed by either partner.
A significant life event or crisis eventually forces the issue into the open, often more abruptly than in other pairings.
What happens when both partners are avoidantly attached
Two avoidantly attached partners often describe:
- valuing the freedom and low-conflict nature of the relationship
- rarely feeling smothered or pressured by their partner
- privately wondering, sometimes, whether the relationship is actually close enough
- struggling to be the one to initiate vulnerability first, since neither partner naturally takes that role
Where this pairing can struggle
The friction here tends to be quiet and easy to overlook rather than loud:
Initiating closeness
Neither partner naturally starts the deeper conversations, so they can go missing entirely.
Expressing needs
Both partners can underreport needs to avoid seeming demanding, leaving real issues unspoken.
Avoiding conflict entirely
Disagreements can get sidestepped rather than resolved, letting small issues accumulate.
Emotional depth
Calm can drift into distant if neither partner deliberately makes room for vulnerability.
Checking in
Regular emotional check-ins don't happen automatically here and usually need to be built deliberately.
Noticing drift
Because nothing is loudly wrong, growing distance can go unnoticed for a long time.
Comfort with silence
Quiet is usually genuinely comfortable here, but it's worth periodically checking it isn't masking something unsaid.
What can work well
This is often a genuinely low-conflict, low-drama pairing. Both partners deeply respect each other's independence, and neither feels pressured to be someone they're not.
The task is making sure that peace includes real closeness rather than simply the absence of friction. With deliberate, regular effort, this pairing can build a relationship that's both independent and genuinely intimate.
Building closeness deliberately
Small, regular habits tend to work better here than occasional big conversations:
Instead of: assuming your partner would rather not be asked how they're really feeling
Try: asking directly, and giving them time to answer rather than filling the silence yourself.
Instead of: staying quiet about a need to avoid seeming demanding
Try: naming one small need clearly, even if it feels uncomfortable at first.
Instead of: letting weeks pass without an emotional check-in
Try: scheduling a regular, low-pressure time to talk about how things are really going.
Instead of: mistaking the absence of conflict for closeness
Try: periodically asking each other, "are we actually as close as we want to be?"
Your attachment profiles are more than one label
Two people can both land in the "avoidant" range for different reasons - one may have a genuinely low need for closeness, while another's avoidance is more of a learned defence they'd actually like to soften. Seeing your actual scores side by side shows exactly where you're alike and where you're not.
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Take the quiz separately, then get a personalised comparison of exactly how your two profiles interact.
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Frequently asked questions
Can two avoidant partners have a successful relationship?
Yes - this pairing often has notably low conflict and strong mutual respect for independence. The main work is making sure the relationship includes real emotional depth, since neither partner naturally pushes for it, rather than settling for comfortable coexistence.
Why don't two avoidant partners fight as much as other pairings?
Because neither partner is pursuing closeness the other doesn't want to give, the friction that fuels conflict in other combinations - one partner chasing, the other retreating - simply isn't present here. That absence of conflict is a real strength, though it can also mask unaddressed distance.
Can a relationship between two avoidant partners become too distant?
Yes, this is the main risk in this pairing. Without anyone reliably initiating emotional closeness, the relationship can drift toward parallel independence rather than genuine partnership - often without either partner consciously choosing that outcome.
How can two avoidant partners build more emotional intimacy?
Small, regular, low-pressure habits tend to work better than occasional big emotional conversations - a scheduled weekly check-in, or a habit of naming one need or feeling out loud each day, can build intimacy gradually without feeling overwhelming to either partner.
Do avoidant-avoidant couples need to change to make it work?
Not fundamentally, but most benefit from consciously building habits that don't come naturally - initiating vulnerability, naming needs directly, checking in regularly. Neither partner needs to become a different person, just more deliberate about closeness that would otherwise be left to chance.
Is low conflict the same as a healthy relationship?
Not necessarily. Low conflict can reflect genuine compatibility, or it can reflect two people avoiding the vulnerability that real intimacy requires. It's worth periodically and honestly checking which one is true, rather than assuming the absence of arguments means everything is fine.